Realization

Daniel Bedingfield-Never Gonna Leave Your Side

I feel like a song without the words, a man without a soul, a bird without its wings, a heart without a home.
I feel like a knight without a sword, a sky without the sun, cause you are the one.
I feel like a ship beneath the waves, a child who's lost its way, a door without a key, a face without a name.
I feel like a breath without the air, and everyday's the same, since you've gone away.


I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning.
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face.
There are no words that could describe how I miss you;
I miss you, everyday. Yeah

And I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
still holding on, girl, I won't let you go,
Cause when I'm lying in your arms I know I'm home.


They tell me that a man can lose his mind / living in the pain.
Recallin' times gone by, I'm crying in the rain.
You know I've wasted half the time and I'm on my knees again.
'Til you come to me. Yeah.


I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning.
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face.
There are no words that could describe how I miss you.
And I miss you, everyday. Yeah.

And I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
Still holding on, girl, I won't let you go.
Lay my head against your heart, I know I'm home.

I'm never gonna leave your side.
And I'm never gonna leave your side, again.
Still holding on, girl, I won't let you go.
Cause when I'm lying in your arms I know I'm home.


 Sometimes i know its not complete without you and even though you say its impossible i am never gonna leave your side. My feelings are pure and real emaciating from my heart. Though you say it's a waste of time i know in my heart how much i really enjoy even being with you for even a minute. Regrets are forever so why not just give it all your best. I wish and pray for a miracle

A Familiar Feeling

How can you stop loving somebody? How can you move on?

So many times people tell move on and find someone else. Easy for them to say. But in practice no way is it easy. 2 years of trying and still no result.

But why do i still choose to continue?

I know that it is the right choice
I can only think of that person- 1st thought in the morning

Sometimes i wish i can just share a long conversation with her. To share my dreams and aspirations, to partake my problems. Mostly i want to listen to her day, her aspirations her family and what makes her happy. A smile on her face is enough for be to be contented. Love is not simple but a complex emotional whirlwind that draws you in and doesn't let you out

I want to be in this whirlwind with her. This is the only time i can spend time with her. 

Positive outlook

Here is the scenario

Woke up one day, took a good look at myself in the mirror. Still so unsatisfied, i remove my shirt and my pants. Leaving my stark naked body with only my boxers on. I look more intensely and i saw the following

(i) Short height- 165m : Basically short for a guy. Most guys are at least 170++ average
(ii)Fat -60kg : I saw a glimpse of a belly growing and i seem to get rounder..did i see a double chin??
(iii)Hairy- Ankle to thigh and along my arms : Thick and long and bushy

Normally this 3 is more than enough to turn any girl away. Grossly speaking, i am neither "hot", "attractive", "lean" or worth glance.

I should just hate myself or even God for giving me this body. Come one who wants a dark, hairy, fat and short body? Offer this to most normal people and surely no offers on the table.

I  however smile at myself, rub my cute belly and stroke the hairs of leg. Well i didnt get to choose what kind of body i will get, what skin colour i wanted. But i chose to be contented. I am proud that im dark, hairy, short and even round. People can judge me but i myself is not going to judge myself

Even if no girls want to accept me for this, i rather not have that girl. Love is unconditional, border less and free. You may call me BLACK, FAT, HAIRY, DWARF Kugan. Yup thats is me.

But i am who i am. Thank you Mum and Dad for the genes and for a chance to grace this planet. That to me is the essence of life  :)
 

The World thru my beady eyes

Dear blog,

its been awhile. Alot has indeed happened while this absence. Truly my life has indeed got its  "interesting" moments. Sometimes life is indeed like that. What you dont expect suddenly flies at you as its someone is courting you. No i am not emoing and im not talking about Love.

Recently, i was diagnosed with bronchitis. Really terrible illness. I should have gone to hospital but my stubborn Me just said no...i flatly refuse. With exams around the corner and things to settle with the post MASSAD, i choose to stay in the hostel. Yes its difficult but with faith and mercy hopefully i will survive.





 Also dealing with post MASSAD has really opened my eyes to the cruel nature of power, greed, politics that is going on in Moscow. Truly i dont want to mention the parties but its truly something i dont wanna meddle in it. With power comes greed and with greed comes insanity.

Letters to God

Watching letters to God has really touched me and inspired me. I never knew this movie existed and im very sure many of you guys are oblivious to this movie. I just simply random search movies of 2010 and someone i caught myself staring as this picture. It caught my eye and without much hesitation i just downloaded it. Later i realized that the producer is the same as fireproof another meaningful meaning.

This movie is about the young kid, Tyler and he like most unfortunate people do, have cancer. But this guy is just so amazing as he is positive. He wants to play football for his team and he wants to enjoy life. He is not even looking for pitifulness.

His basic idea is "talk to God" and he has decided to talk via the letters. Now imagine your the postmen collecting the letters.....what will you do? I dont wanna spoil the movie for you guys but i wanna tell you that Tyler action brought about changes not only to himself but to others

HOPE IS CONTAGIOUS

You are a letter...written not with pen and ink but with the spirit of the living God (2 Cor 3:3)

Lackluster

Dear blog,

as this weekend is coming to an end. I just feel so different. I feel no motivation, no desire and no peace whatsoever. I just get so lethargic. It seems im running without a purpose.

So many things to cloud my thoughts. I wish i can share with someone but i cant. Life sometimes can be kinda funny. It tears you apart, spits on you and leaves you to rot. But truly i just dont wanna lie there. I WANNA DO SOMETHING!

I know to get someone whom i can trust 100% and really depend on is almost impossible. I used to trust in 1st year but i can do it anymore. I  cant face anyone anymore. Life around me is changing. Like once someone said to me "Change Is Constant". Seeing my group mate leave for good is saddening. Sometimes i wish i was the one.  Getting back with people is hard and awkward

But watching Letters to God told me something " Hope Is Contagious"

I wanna believe and hope for greater things. I know its gonna be difficult and truly its something i really hope for changes

Let me now muddle my head in my books first

A wet and cold day

The very cold shiver of the morning's weather stimulated every fiber of my being. It's icy cold nature woke me up startled. As i glanced at the clock, i realized its only 7.23am. It seems every single day im having a tendency to wake up early, However my body was just so tired and weak and gave in to the attractions of my bed.

All i know, i just need to wander my mind away from this world, its unfairness, its brutality and its amicable nature 


The week that past was like a crestfallen flowers that bore many thorns. Dealing with the aftermath of MASSAD can not be described as a breeze more of running in a quicksand. No matter what i do, i still am left to deal with the loose strings.

Loose ends

Making certain decisions like the one ive been planning to do before MASSAD can never been easy. I took courage and sought out those whom i wanted to speak to. I hope for the best in them and can only hope to be part of their lives again. I have never stopped caring and will never ever stop

Making decisions that hurt people is sometimes the ugly nature when put in position. I'm afraid that i have to make these decisions not out of spite but out of humanity, meritocracy and mercy. 

I know for sure this is a race where im all on my own ( of course God is forever with me) and really im gonna run and never look back. Run like i've never ran before. Faced with many obstacles in the past, tribulations and dissapointments of the people, i know i've got to do it

Finally

Dear blog,

finally over the long period of all the hustle and bustle, stress, MASSAD 2011 is completed. To me it doesn't matter what people say because im really proud of my committee for i know and seen their hard work. Today i know for myself  MASSAD 2011 is more than a event in itself but a journey that brings insight, build individuals and fosters relationship. Today I've seen changes, though not big but a change for a better. I am indeed proud of my committee

       My Favorite Picture of The Night 

Now that MASSAD is over, i just really wanna focus back on my life. I know i have changed alot and really i just wanna remain low profile and just segregate. I know now that i just can only depend on myself

Lessons in Moscow

Its been 1 year 6 months in Moscow and yet the same feeling inflates my body. I just do wonder sometimes really why on earth i have to face so many obstacles and disappointing moments here in Moscow. Every single event takes alot out of me both emotionally and physically.

Trust to me is something that is important and really when it comes to trust boy have i been dissapointed so many times. You know i trust the person with all my heart and yet they dont trust you back even when you defend them so many times. It's quite hurtful because you know yourself you haven't done anything bad yet people dont trust you. Sometimes i just hope people can trust me, really. Some just hear rumours and believe it and someone just label you. Not even a single trust

Lie. This is a very strong taboo word. Guys why do we need to lie? To protect our own ego? Well you know the famous expression " If you lie, it will grow bigger and hurt you in the end" . I totally dont believe this statement as i know the person who is lied to will be the one that  get hurt the most. Why can people just be direct with me or let me handle the truth. Do i look like somone who i can be lied too easily?

So many times these 2 issues have cropped out in my Moscow life and i know one day one big blow can really knock me out. I know i dont apprear to look strong or what but i dont really care about that

8 March 2011

As the clock struck 12, i realize that im 21 of age. A supposedly turn of time where i am considered as an adult and with the 'green light' to do many other things that only adults can do
            

Yet really i didnt fully feel much different from being 20 or even 19 and etc. I felt the same. The same kind of guy that is still mainly immature, not able to have clear reasoning, a failed courtship and a lack of purpose. However my birthday turned to be extraordinary

Firstly, i will always remember 8 March as the day Ling, my Vietnamese neighbor left for Vietnam for good. I will really miss her alot as she brought joy and laughter in my life

Secondly, problems with the limousine ride and really a sour end to the ride with all the fights and arguments.

Thirdly, i am ALIVE! i wanna thank God for he saved me from a certain incident and really make me appreciate my life


Recently my last birthday celebration was late but a huge surprise and i did enjoy it. However i know i cant face it anymore . I just cannot!!!!!! Life kinda sucks as really it hurts so much more and really i just wanna leave Moscow.

As far as i know the light  of the tunnel is diminishing slowly. Hope is fading, the leaves are flying, the tree so barren and the chillness of the night sums up my current state of affairs right here in Moscow

Free Time

Woah,

finally 8 hours of rest under my belt. It has been one heck of h ectic week with no sleep and lots of work. My eyebags tell the story. This is supposed to be a easier semester but however with the amount of colloqs and the kind of teachers i seriously beg to differ.

13 February is always gonna be a very emotional day for me. I remember it so vividly what had happened 1 year before. It was a first of a series of giving up. I was coming back from London all pumped up but on the 13th i was like a weak deflated balloon. This year 13th i just wanted to be alone and so i did and im sorry for those i couldn't help

Life

  Well its another 6 weeks to go before MASSAD. Still so many preparations to do and not yet many things finalized. Hopefully after today's Change Your World charity concert we can really finalized the deals and all. Hope God can really answer my prayers. One last final push and hopefully everything will flow in

I have got to catch up with other people lives and really i seem not to know what are their current situation and all. i guess i have to find time to really have a heart to heart talk

These are my thoughts today

"How Can You Be Friends With Someone If Everytime You Look At Them It Makes You Want Them Even More?"

That expression always ponders on my mind....

So awkward 2 days ago sitting in the same room. My heart was racing, my hair stood on the perch of each goosebumps, my eyes widened, adrenaline in my body and basically my body in overdrive

I couldn't even bear to look. Haizzz...i dunno my life feels like is breaking apart but your happiness shows whih is why i keep going on...

A great Holiday

 As i sit writing this post, the quietness of the hostel  and the very black and white surroundings makes me feel very strange. I glanced at the time and date and it appears 3:05pm 5th February 2011. So whats the main conclusion:

42 hours till Semester 2

Anyway lets not talk about that. I just wanna share about my trip to Italy




Day 1


Reached Rimini, a seaside resort in Italy. But before even reaching the hotel, we went to San Marino,a mid-evil city. Simply awesome views as the whole San Marino is on a hill. The weather was a bit chilly but overall great. and some shops even accepted roubles for currency. Wanted to find the castle there but not much time


Then we went to our hotel Maena. It was approaching dinner time so we decided to walk and walk until this restaurant called "RIVA" . This place was awesome. I order appolo griglia which was grilled chicken with baked potatoes it was awesome plus.....the manager gave us small garlic bread with toppings, orange juice and cookies as coperto (service charge 1.50 Euro)

San Marino

Church in Marino

2nd day            

Well it was a lazy day. Practically woke up late, did nothing except play FIFA and so on till it was dinner time. Really a wasted day but for dinner we went to a restaurant near our hotel. I ate Spaghetti Arrabiata and 4 Formaggi pizza.

Spaghetti Arrabiata

3rd day

This time we went to Central. Omg and we found a Chinese shop where we could find many many things. So so amazing and the boss introduced us to a nearby Chinese restaurant for lunch and so we went. After lunch we walked around central. We found the famous Arch and we did shopping for a while before heading back for dinner in George. Sad case..the food there was brilliant as the atmosphere

Restaurant owner

Prawn cakes

Lighting and design

Free gift- Chinese Mei Wine

The famous arch

 4th day

Off to Milan we went. Reached there and to our utter dismay Museums were closed. What a pity but we saw a few churches and basically did shopping as Milan is basically shopping paradise. GUCCI, PRADA, LV are basically all there. Ate in McDonald's for lunch. Back again in Riva for dinner and for coperto he gave us 2 extra pizzas and that is indeed amazing 

Castle

Church

5th day

The next day we decided to go to the beach. Kinda of a lovely weather and really my worries just cleared as the breezes washes way. A lot of deep thoughts were in my mind and really enjoyed. After that we headed to Americago and i had Seafood Spaghetti and it was so so so so awesome. It had squid,prawns,fish, cockles, clams everything. After the beach we found a 90% shop and i book 10 textbooks for just 1 Euro...its damn freaking cheap. The girls obviously took more time. We went to BILLA which is equivalent of ashan and bought so much cheap stuff. Later on found a tourist shop and we all bought I LOVE ITALIA shirts. Ended by eating Italian food

In my deep thoughts

Chilling

Yummy

Day 6

Last free day in Rimini. Basically day started late and we went out to central again. Everyone was looking at shoes but not me. I decided to go for a haircut and so i went and it only cost 18 Euro so not so bad. Since it was the eve of CNY, we went for a sort of reunion dinner and that was basically it

After reunion dinner

 Day 7

We went to Rome and words cannot describe it. From Vatican to Colosseum to the fountain. It was just so so amazing. Met so many Malaysian there and even Billy and gang.

Day   8

Ciao Ciao. Time to leave Italy. Haizz so so sad

Conclusion

Really enjoyed myself as i really prepare for this upcoming semester. New sem, and new challenges.

A Funny Conclusion to 2nd Year Sem 1

24/01/2011 is what i see when i clicked on the calender. I somehow cannot simply understand how 1 and half years have past. I never imagine i would last this long here. Today i sit down wondering, is my fate destined to be here?

Well i just finished my exams for both Anatomy and Histology. Quietly very disappointed with my results knowing i could have done better. But i need be to more contented. Russians exams really are dependent on many factors like the bilet you get, the teacher you get, the mood of the teacher and etc, I believe those who even scored low may be as good as those who got 5. Just the luck. But happy because well basically 2year is over for me. Just need to focus on other subjects

However down point, i expected someone to do well. But she was so unlucky. Upon hearing the news, my heart just felt so heavy. I wish somehow i could help but i dont know how to. I wish to be there to comfort the person but.....people keep asking me the same question.........i just dont know...........

Another sad point, my roommate is leaving for Msia for good. Im gonna miss all the moments with him. I hope he is gonna have a good future. Thanks for the memories dude.

Well counting 5 days time to Rome, so excited and cant wait. Seeing alot of people leaving which is funny as as i walk pass i feel the sadness in the hostel as if the hostel has lost its life. 

For now guys ADIOS