Final Moments of 2010

The silent whispers of the night, the tiredness in my body and the many wandering thoughts i have suppresses the atmosphere as i type and dwell on the year 2010.  I have started to really think about each and every year after my great friend, Yi Peng told me it would help. Well i do hope so. So let me analyze my year.

♥ Highlights ♥
1)Going to London and enjoying myself thanks to my aunt and uncle
2)Have no problem with exams
3) Going home in the summer and being with friends and family
4)Serving in MASSAD
5)Being part of C1




:( Downs :(
1)Mum had a heart problem
2) Sister sick with chicken pox
3)Rumours, rumours rumours
4)Something personal
5)Losing people whom i trusted
6) Lost hope of trusting people
7) Olga Semenyek
8)I failed you CD, YP and Sk




As far as i can see, it has not been a good year for me. 2010 is about to me my past and really the emotional roller coaster ride i went through took alot of me and i just wanna stop expecting anything. When you expect, the people around tend to fail you. Im just gonna believe in myself more and do things by the scruff of its neck.




For everyone out there i just wanna wish you guys a awesome HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011

Reality Hurts Real Badly

Have you ever felt alone and nothing makes sense? Thats how i kinda feel right now....facing everything by myself and nothing but tears and a fake smile

Being away from loved ones takes a toll and heavy burden. Everyday i reminiscent about them, wishing i could be with them right now. I just dont know how lovely they are to be with.

In Moscow, facing people has been so disappointing. Especially hostel life. Rumours run and spread like a fire on a bush. People judge people and its an ugly quality. Why i can even trust anyone here. Its so pathetic that this are the traits of future doctors. So how can Malaysia produce doctors with this kind of attitude?

I feel under appreciated. People forget you, forget what you have done for them and even how they have impacted your life. It seems like a distant memory. People just seem to be selfish to just divert the blame elsewhere. Yet i have to be the better man and apologize all the time. Im sick of it.

You think you seem to know people by spending time with them and really trying to foster a kind of meaningful relationship. You make sacrifices and somehow its goes all wrong. In the end I get hurt, always i and no one else. 

This Christmas i just wanna give more and more. I giving everything i have away. I dont have stability to even stop and thinking of what im giving. This Christmas i just wanna be alone and just wonder the " could, might and shall be". 

Busy Busy Busy!!!

 What a week it has been. From having meetings to organizing and planning Christmas to studying. So packed into a few weeks and yet i survived. So many troubles somehow seem to find me as if metaphorically im the "magnet" which attracts them.

I can safely say my education has never deteriorated even with MASSAD. I wont say this proudly  because studying in Russia is no mean feat. Practically anyone can do it. I will elaborate more about their education system maybe in future post. Like one a great friend once told me, " No one is born smart or stupid, just that either people are lazy or hardworking". That practically makes sense. But of course in Russia there are a few troublesome lecturers so cant really blame some students

                                                    
I really have neglected my friends back in Singapore and Malaysia. Guys, i really miss you. You're the best and never disappointed me no matter how many times i disappointed you guys. I really hope i can make time for you guys to skype and chat about our usual banter


                                             

Well im sick of rumours and everything. I really feel people have no better things to do in their lives than to talk about other people. It's so superficial of them as if they are so perfect. This kind of people disgust me and i have zero tolerance. So what if i am who i am.....deal with it

Lastly i dont know why but it seems its getting worse. Did i do anything wrong? Did i blame you? Did i gossip about you? No i didnt...yet i feel so insecure....NO trust you add and yet another blow to my heart....what more can i give, what more can i ask..

Somehow i dont feel like continue this post anymore, so tata for now guys

Return

Back to blogging once again,

It's been quite long since my last post. Lots have happened since the last post and thats why i have been kept busy. Finally i am able to breathe a huge sigh of relief even if its for a while.

Taking charge of MASSAD has been one one the biggest responsibility given to me and so far things are looking as green as the grass. Well im proud of each of my committee members who strive to put hard work to make this semester goals a success and where we reap joy.

Well, secondly i feel really trust is difficult as really people and rumors. Haizz people just can focus on their on lifes but focus more on other people lives. I really cant see the rationale behind this. Yes i know alot of rumours have been circulating about me, but i choose to ignore and let other people decide if its really true. People should make decision by themselves

Well thats all i wanna say today as now time to watch some footie

:( Week

What a week i had! I thank God for even the fact i can even write this post. It has been one hell of the busiest ever week i have ever faced in this turbulent Moscow. Lots of effort, lack of time, ever increasing list of task and sadness is basically the summary of my week.

It started off on Friday where we started preparing the food for orientation day. Lots of work to be done and we didnt get a single ounce of sleep till even after Orientation day. I was quite nervous as i was in charge for this event and really didnt want anything to go wrong. Thank God everything went smoothly and all the food was sold out. Great job guys both committee members and volunteers.

   

After orientation week i got cell group, paramedic and even my education to catch up with. So much to do and yet so little time. But yet i managed to do it and complete almost everything ( How? Next post i shall explain). Really im shagged, every bone emulsifying with pain, muscle embolized in pain and eyelids drooping every second. I hope for strength and wisdom and only HE can provide it

You know trust is something i have always emphasized but i regretfully cant trust anyone except me and HIM and really life is not worth investing onto other people's lives. The less involved i am , the better.

I just dont understand what with you and me. I still get the blame but i will take it. Hearing you laugh and seeing you smile makes me happy knowing your moving on. I realise its a hell of a effort to move away from you.....i just cant

Frail hope

WHAT A WEEK.....................

    
I just wanna pull out every single hair from my scalp. I just wanna tear and just keep to myself. Sometimes i wonder why i put up with all of this. It seems everything im losing meaning. I have lost my path and i carelessly wander and dwell upon the paths of pure frustration and confounded

I return back to classes after my sickness.Had to catch up with alot and Russian class is more difficult than ever and its really a challenge to keep up with it. More scoldings to deal with and yet MASSAD. Sometimes its just so difficult to do an event when your emotionally challenged and whats more things start to happen and suddenly everything looks bleak and no light at the end of the tunnel.

What can i do? Nevermind im done for today, hopefully it starts fresh again

I just wish i can understand you and your actions. You mean alot to me yet sometimes i feel so hurt and confused with what you do. Im trying to get over you but its so so difficult



                                         

A lesson learnt

Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest... It's about who came, and never left your side

This expression  is so true and should echo what true friendship is all about. Often than not i have voiced out my views about the consequential nature of this world, where apparently people seem to hide behind sheep's skin.

Firstly why do people have to say bad things about each other behind their backs?Why is there a need to gossip and spread it like a raging brushfire? I fail to understand this....shouldnt we just focus on our lives and try to help people? 

Often i've come into situation when im between 2 groups of friends and somehow i ended up on the wrong side. So what happens to friendship? It seems the 2 sides grow closer to each other and both grow further apart from me.

I'm learning always and HE always places challenges in my life and hopefully i can go stronger. Thank you so much God for im learning.

I know now i just dont wanna get involved too much into people's lives and its just so tiring when the blame gets shifted. I need to focus more on myself and on God as often or not i have not. 

"Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all other things shall be added on to you"

                                          

A series of Unfortunate event

This week has been another trying week for me. I just hope i can be stronger through these challenges that im facing. I hope HE gives me wisdom and strength.

Well my week started well with clearing of most colloqs (Russian equivalent of Unit Exam) . Surprised myself in Histology and microbiology wasn't that difficult. Just as i was preparing to close the chapter for Unit 1 for all exams, the worst ever asthma attack occured to me to the fact that i couldn't even breathe. Two attacks in a day. But thankfully im well now and still alive

This week too has been clouded by things i know KNOW that i never wanna mess with again. I guess its true humans fail us and trusting people is really difficult. I feel i just need to separate from both parties and just move on with my life. My apologies goes out to all involved because i failed to solved it

P.S: I still struggle to cope with the emotional demands on Moscow, everyday i feel dishearten and see no meaning 

A New Beggining

Welcome to Blogspot Kugan. Yup i know people will be staring in amusement after so long then only i am using Blogger. Well i been using livejournal for a long time and felt it's time to seek other shores


So why am i changing blog. Well the past one year has't  been smooth sailing as like the expression " like a bed of roses". Most naive people would think it as plain and smooth sailing but one need's to consider that roses do have thorns. Often than not i have been prickled by those sharp thorns.


My life for the past semester was horrendous to say the least but i guess there is a purpose. So i feel i need a more positive outlet to dwell into and a better way to venture into it is to leave the place where i recorded my tears, blood and cringing heart